Day 6 - Opening Lines of Communication
Each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body (29) Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Ephesians 4:25,29 (NIV)
Why do we think it’s okay to be miserable in silence? This year, it’s time to take pride, self-consciousness, and unwillingness to be vulnerable off the table. There is someone else out there that has experienced what you are going through and can help you through your trials. Likewise, you have insight, advice, and encouragement to give others. In order to be victorious, we need a team of people around us, and we need to be honest with those people to receive the assistance to triumph over our battles.
Okay, so let’s take a step back: I’m not saying share your problems with the world. What I’m implying is that you need someone(s) that you can talk to, commiserate with, pray with, encourage/receive encouragement from, and share your victories with. These helpers can be your spouse, a friend, a family member, co-worker, spiritual sister or mother, counselor/therapist, etc. Choose someone that you can be honest and share your true feelings with (or at the very least, someone you can see your relationship growing with to support honest transparency). If you have a chronic illness, find someone that understands your experience (or find those that can pray over you, even if they can’t sympathize with your condition). Once you’ve established relationships, you’ll know who you can talk to about what, and the limitations of that specific communication.
What has Cut the Line?
One of my most tenacious defense mechanisms is shutting down. Eight years ago, if you said something I didn’t like, my brick wall came flying up. I thrived on masking my hurt with a stone-cold attitude, and it hurt my relationships. Mostly, it affected my relationship with my soon-to-be husband. Early in my marriage (and through many sessions of counseling), I learned that severing the line of communication was a coping mechanism that had to go. It only served to further close the door of intimate, growth-inducing conversation with the person who was my God-ordained, lifelong partner.
The same can be said about my relationships with friends, family, prayer partners, sisters in Christ, etc. I personally have a bad habit of carelessly blurting out “I’m good” when asked how I am. I don’t even think about it - it just comes out. Some of the time, it’s the truth; other times it couldn’t be further from the truth. I don’t think I’m alone in that, and I do understand that, in some situations, it’s easier and more polite to just give a passive answer than to say that you’re having a bad day. But even to those closest to us, we find reluctancy to give an honest answer to that common question.
Choose to be Vulnerable
If you’ve ever heard her speak or read any of Brene Brown’s books, you’ll understand the importance of being vulnerable. It is most definitely a process, but it’s worth it in the end. I have always struggled with being open about my feelings and putting myself in a vulnerable position. Yes, even as a former licensed professional counselor, I have emotional issues and malfunctions. Sometimes I compensate by being loud, cracking jokes, and engaging in extreme stubbornness. I’ve gotten better though, and I owe it to both God and my husband, who have patiently allowed me to progress in my emotional communication growth.
Throughout my illness, I’ve had to kill my unwillingness to talk about how I feel. It took me a while before I was comfortable even telling my husband how I honestly felt. Saying that I wasn’t okay or that I was in pain made me vulnerable. It didn’t reflect the tough Amanda I had purported to be, and it meant that I would have to accept help, even from someone who was equipped and willing to give it. But I realized that not being honest only made things worse - Jonathan was not a mind reader, and he couldn’t help me if he didn’t know what I needed from him. Now, every morning, he asks me how I feel, and I answer truthfully, even if it sucks to have to tell him I feel horrible for the 10th consecutive day. Not only does my straightforwardness allow Jonathan to consider my physical and mental well-being, it also allows me to be honest with myself and act accordingly. In other words, saying it out loud propels me into accepting my present condition and taking the steps necessary (rest, limit activities, etc.) to improve my health.
The same concept can be applied to our relationship with God. Being vulnerable and authentic is what He desires when we talk to Him. Of course, He already knows what we need (Matthew 6:8), but He’s waiting on us to admit our weaknesses so that He can prove Himself strong in those areas. He wants to comfort, help, and direct us; all we have to do is have an open, honest continuous line of communication with Him through prayer and conversation.
In terms of 2019 – what I want is to be more vulnerable with more people. I have some AMAZING people around me who are ready and willing to encourage, help, pray for, and sit with my emotions with me. As I mentioned in yesterday’s blog, it’s okay to be honest – it doesn’t mean I am being a “Debbie Downer” or complainer – it’s me being vulnerable and willing to receive what I need to be victorious. Likewise, this year, I want to make myself an available confidant – someone whom the people in my life can assuredly come to with their vulnerabilities. Because what is the point of all of this if I can’t love, listen, and encourage others the way that they, and God, have done for me?
Food for Thought: Today, have an honest and vulnerable conversation with yourself and with God about what areas of communication you need to work on this year. Do you have severed or damaged lines? Do you struggle with being vulnerable? Take time to identify your communication style, your defense mechanisms, and what areas you’d like to work on this year. List those people that you already have established lines of communication with, the ones that need some improvement, and who you’d like to add to your list.
**Side note – one of the best things you can do for yourself and your relationships is to seek counseling. Learning how to interact with others (how to listen to, respond to, and respect others’ vulnerability) is hard work, but it’s also integral to healthy relationships. Individual, couples, and group therapy are wonderful ways to gain the knowledge and tools needed to foster open communication.